god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
