did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
