Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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