My liver just broke up with me...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
