you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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