There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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