so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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