I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
