Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
