my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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