Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
