You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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