at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
