And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
