im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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