i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
even my farts smell like vagina
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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