Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
