So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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