I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
