i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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