I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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