Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
