He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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