Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
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I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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