i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
