its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
