Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
