I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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