well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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