why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
