call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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