A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
