This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
