There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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