I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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