god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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