Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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