That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
