2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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