If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
