Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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