One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
