I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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