I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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