Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
