well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
did i just pee glitter
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
