i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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