My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think I won the penis lottery.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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