I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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