someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
