Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
