I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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